Promise

After receiving Communion this morning, I became aware of a hymn in my head. 

The tune went round and round in my head, but the lyrics escaped me.

So frustrating! Slowly one word came through the fog in my brain. While I cycled home, I was sure I had the first line of the hymn. "Jesus I have promised to... xx, you to the end". 

 

I thought it was 'follow', but after a quick search, it became apparent that it was 'serve'. 

The hymn is a well-known hymn in the Anglican Tradition.

"Jesus, I have promised to serve thee to the end.

Be thou forever near me, my Master and my friend.

I shall not fear the battle if thou art by my side.

Nor wander from the pathway.

If thou wilt be my guide".

 

My unpacking started with the word: 'promise'. Although promise is a familiar word in our vocabulary, I felt it was useful to have a more in-depth look.

'Promise' means: a declaration of assurance that one will do something, or that something will happen. Promise, refers to a commitment, an agreement or obligation as well as a vow. 

 

I have taken civil and religious vows. Wedding vows, vows for Holy Orders as a Deacon in the Anglican Church, and vows as a Secular or Third Order Franciscan. These vows have not been taken lightly. I remember the sleepless nights before my baptism and ordination. The lifelong implication of taking these vows was in the forefront of my mind.

I questioned myself, could I make that promise? How would that alter my life, and what would people think of me, that I took these vows? 

 

God made promises too. Seven in total, according to the Bible; they are

1 I will be with you

2. I will protect you

3 I will be your strength

4 I will answer you

5 I will provide for you

6 I will give you peace

7 I will always love you

 

I must admit writing about vows and promises is challenging and confrontational. I have broken some of my vows. I have broken wedding vows, and got up and started again. 

 

To talk about the God’s promises is almost impossible. Those are personal experiences and not mere observations. No one can say on my behalf that God has or has not answered me. No one can judge if God has been my strength or has provided for me. We put our trust in God and pray that God keeps the promises and keeps us close, and we pray that we may be aware of God’s presence.

 

So back to my hymn.

The line "Jesus I have promised to serve thee to the end", could potentially be another point for debate or unpacking.

The essential question is: 'Who is Jesus?' Is Jesus God? Is Jesus just an inspirational teacher? I struggled with the concept that Jesus is God's only Son. 

 

I believe that everyone is a child of God. Jesus' divinity is similar to mine. We all carry the 'God-spark'. We are all called to follow in Jesus' footsteps. He is the way; he showed us the way of open-handed living, caring for our neighbours, praying in solitude, and he taught us how to be whole. 

That is the Jesus I follow and want to get close to.

 

The next stumbling block for me, is the word 'Master'. 

For some reason, I struggle with authority. Or perceived authority.

In God's economy, everyone is equal, so the idea that one person is more important than another person grinds me. We come into the world with nothing, and when we die, we leave with nothing.

 

When ‘Master’ indicates a skill-full individual it is a different story. Jesus has mastered the way to God. Jesus as teacher and Master, as my living example, the person I want to follow. Not necessarily imitate, I have to be the best version of 'me'; with the richness, insights and compassion of Jesus, my friend. 

 

The idea to surround ourselves with people, who live the life we want to live is a great starting point for life’s journey. Jesus is my friend and Master, and I look to him to grow closer to God. And Yes, I serve Jesus by being the best person I can be, growing closer to God and others may be inspired by my way of life and become curious and want the same. 

 

I follow and serve Jesus as a self-centred act and as an example and possibility for those around me. I do not follow the literalist Jesus as created by fundamentalist Christians, but the Jesus who shows us the way to the Divine, the Jesus who triggers the Spirit within me, who brings me back to the source of the Divine within me. 

 

The last verse of the hymn ends with

“O, give me grace to follow

My Master and my friend.”

 

Grace, as in smooth and filled with good will. In Christian literature Grace may be translated as filled with God’s help. I opt for both!

 

 

 Seek Peace. Find it within.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Declutter

Before Covid came into our lives, the buzzwords were ‘declutter’ and ‘downsize’.

Friends who were looking for ‘lock-up and leave’ properties to be able to follow the temptation of the advertised ‘overseas’ experiences and to be able to travel to far-reaching destinations, have decided to stay put. Some wanted to cross things off their ‘bucket lists’, others read books which stirred their curiosity.

And then Covid hit.

The reality of being in a safe country, where life is more or less normal, where we can go about our ordinary day to day pursuits; made people revisit their desire to downsize. In some cases they re-engaged with hobbies from the past that required some space and are travelling locally and enjoying what they have.

Downsizing to an environment with less maintenance is one thing. Decluttering and making choices of how we fill the space around us is another story.

Personally, I have a variety of hobbies, which all come with a necessary amount of stuff – or at least that is what I tell myself. The reality is that we accumulate stuff and more stuff, with the excuse that we don’t know when we may need it. As a dressmaker, I have collected materials that have become rather international, as they have travelled the world with me in their respective boxes! I wonder if it is time to have an honest and thorough sorting out session. The same applies to books and magazines and yes, everything else! Am I kidding myself that with all the leftover scraps, one day I will make a scrap quilt?

So declutter is about stuff that fills our spaces and might make us happy or not. Maria Kondo was very popular at some stage, she is not a minimalist, although she favours tidying up. Her criteria is around joy. If something makes you happy, it has a place in your house or room, if not it needs to be tossed or repurposed.

I find that my need to declutter is not merely focused on ‘stuff’, it includes what is going on in my head. Too many thoughts, too many projects and too many books to read, and then there is the possible social media overload. Work, volunteering, goals etc., all take up a lot of mental space.

Decluttering is not something we do lightly, most of us have an emotional attachment to things, and many things have special memories. I sometimes wonder if we need objects to remind us, or will the memory be the same without a tangible item?

What are we telling ourselves if we keep objects, or if we throw everything out? How will that affect us? In the past I have thrown a lot of books out, which I regretted later, knowing I had a book on ‘such and so’ where did I put it… to realise I had donated it. The idea with books might be that you put them on a less reachable shelf for a couple of months before chucking them out.

So my starting point is to establish what is essential in my life, how would I like to spend my time and what do I need for that. Relationships, health, spirituality and creativity are crucial for my well-being, and that is where my focus is.

Decluttering living space and headspace, requires a certain amount of ruthlessness. Decluttering relationships is far more challenging; to surround yourself with people who are like-minded and have similar values to health, spirituality and creativity is vital for our well-being. Gentle suggestions in changing behaviour may well be necessary.

I have started the process. Out with theology that is no longer life-giving, out with material that no longer suits me, out with linen that might be good as a ‘drop-sheet’ for painting the house.

Decluttering my head includes minimising screen time, more time spend on bible study/journaling and writing.

May you be free from the desire of acquiring and content with what you have stored away.

    

Seek Peace. Find it within.

 

Advent

Christmas is upon us.

Carols greet us as we enter shops. They encourage us to focus on presents, to buy for our loved ones, rather than on the Divine Presence. Supermarkets started stocking the Christmas goodies weeks ago. The Christmas lighting has been on the shelves, ready for lavishly decorating our homes. The theme is to spend, spend and spend. Due to Covid-19 nor have we been able to travel overseas, nor have we had a decent holiday. We are ready for some distractions. People are tired, and are looking forward to summer holidays, time-out and catching up with friends and families.

Going on a regular retreat was a requirement for clergy in the past. Nowadays, it is a recommendation. Advent retreats were common, now they are hard to find. A retreat to take some time out of commitments and to prepare for the coming of the Christ child. Sounds great, doesn’t it?

How do we prepare for Advent and Christmas? Advent was like Lent, a time of sombre anticipation and reflection. Both are a time for spiritual preparation. A time for prayer, and in some traditions, time for repentance, and taking time out from our demanding jobs and lifestyles. The advent wreath with the four candles that symbolize Hope, Peace, Joy and Love, was designed to help us on this journey.

However, the world has changed. There are hardly any retreats offered. Some people would argue there is no need for this Advent preparation, the Holy Spirit is with us till Christ comes again. I think it is more complicated than that. When an Advent retreat was announced I was quite excited. A retreat in an intentional faith community, what else could we ask?

Silence, reflection and walks in combination with interesting, thought-provoking input sessions, nice food and restful sleep… that was my hope....

The wind was howling, the rain relentless and my room was adjacent to the shared bathroom. The bed was uncomfortable, the input sessions very gentle, however the food was fantastic!

Although it was not what I had hoped, the Divine inspired and sustained me. The Divine within us, communicating with the Divine surrounding us, guiding and challenging me. The struggles I have with Church teachings and what I believe, are continuous. The Church as an institution is facing tumultuous times, similar to just before Jesus was born.

Sometimes retreats are peaceful and move like murmuring water- restful and inspiring. At other times one is invited to visit painful experiences. Returning to those times can be a time of healing, of growth.

This Advent retreat invited me to look at who I am before God. Our preparation was the passage from Mark’s Gospel, where Jesus asks Bartimaeus “What do you want me to do for you?” To which the blind Bartimaeus responds: “Rabbi, I want to see again”.

I too want to see, I want to awaken. Although faith is not a merely a question of believing, with Carl Jung I can say: “I know”. Deep down, I know. I know God. But to see a glimpse of the Divine in daily life, to be encouraged, to experience God, that is what I want.

A while ago I asked someone if they ever doubted, had they ever hoped for ‘a sign’? She said, for those who know, there is no need for a sign. For those who doubt, no sign will be sufficient. I still like a sign now and then. A fellow traveller on the road or some wisdom gleaned from another person’s experience.

Going on retreat I had hoped for a sign, an insight in the Divine existence. Looking for something that is right in my face, all the time.

It is called ‘open-handed living’, it is about awareness and perception. It is not about earth-shattering experiences, it is about showing up and slowing down.

It is about being present.

May you find a retreat in daily life, be open to God, and live open-handedly

I wish you a fruitful Advent.

 

 Seek Peace. Find it within.

Questions

Occasionally we hit a brick wall.
No inspiration flows to the surface.
It seems all we have are questions. There is nothing wrong with questions. Questions are good. They keep us from being complacent or even lazy.

Questions and their answers may require action or change. Sometimes it is much easier to stay with the status-quo, to do what we always do. And guess what? You get what you always got!

Questions are often a sign of imminent change. Change in direction, change in commitment, or maybe a realization that no change is required.

Today I have been pondering church services. A priest stated earlier in the week that we don’t come to church for ourselves, but for God. He suggested we might not feel like going, because it is bad weather; we may feel we don’t get anything out of it, or we want some space for ourselves. He continued, there are days he does not feel like taking a service. Maybe he wants some time for himself too!

To be honest, I am not sure that his reasoning or theology strikes a chord with me. I am not particularly clear on the fact that we go to church for God. I am not convinced that God expects us to show up. After all, if God is in all, and all things are in God, we don’t have to go anywhere to meet God.

I think people go to Church for a variety of reasons, ranging from connecting with like-minded people, to hoping for spiritual nourishment or inspiration. Maybe it does make them feel good? Those who have been brought up in the Roman Catholic Church might think they are under obligation? During lockdown, those in power stated that attending Mass by watching ‘online’ were fulfilling their obligation. This is another aspect that doesn’t sit well with me. ‘Obligation’ and ‘duty’ are red flags for power and control!

I understand the reason why we do things can be quite convoluted. There is often some historical reasoning and possible current hopes, which stimulate us to go to church. As long as the service is over and done within an hour, because there are other items on our busy ‘to-do lists’.

It is great to build community. The phrase ‘no man is an island’ certainly rings true. Community, and a sense of belonging are essential for our mental well-being. Church can fill that need and desire. However….

People are quite happy to chat before the service, rather than observe prayer full silence, because most people are caught up in their own lives and have enough on their plate.

Friendliness is vital for a Christian Community, but how many people stay behind and chat to newcomers? How many are willing and able to visit those in age care facilities, or who are lonely at home?

So do we need to go to church? And for whom?

My next question is, what is our expectation, and is that expectation valid? 

My hope is that the church community is engaging and interested in spiritual matters. That there are people with open and enquiring minds; people who are open to explore different concepts and a wider range of theology.

So far, my experience is that people do what they always do. They don’t seem to think or read much broader than their Parish priest, or the parish priest they grew up with. Indeed, the older generation seem to accept whatever is offered. The younger generation is too busy with work, family and sport commitments, the hour a week is all they have. Most people seem more interested in reality TV than reading philosophy or theology. So if you want anything more engaging than what is offered, you will have to find it yourself.

Faith appears to be dying out in our society.
And so I am pondering the consequences of that.

I wonder if the ‘double belonging’ like Zen and Catholicism will be the new norm.

Seek peace. Find it within.

 

Off the Fence

When you think about sitting on the fence you will find is not that comfortable. Fences are often narrow, and it takes skill to climb up and wiggle to find the right spot. Once you get there, it is astonishing how long we manage to remain on top of that fence.

The reason we climb up is not always straight forward. Sometimes we need time to process information and weigh up the pros and cons before a decision is reached. Sometimes we climb upon the for mentioned fence to protect ourselves from others who are more outspoken, or who ‘know it all’. Sitting on the fence buys the climber a certain amount of time.

After years of sitting on the fence, I decided to come off.  As a mature adult I can now make my own choices and decisions; as a ‘grown up’ you can do what you like, right? Clearly it is not that simple, there is still a fear of being judged.

The people who raised us have a persistent voice, and I am sure you still hear the voice of a teacher, parent or other elders, sharing their insights and teaching with a clarity we struggle to mimic or even ignore. I cannot remember when I stopped ‘looking over my shoulder’, wondering what ‘they’ might have to say about my choices and how I would answer their ‘questions and concerns’.

I am Dutch, down to earth, practical and intelligent. So why would I be interested in God? Or in faith-traditions and theology?  I tried to explain and share my insights, but for some reason, matters of faith are not always intelligible; they are matters of the heart. In general, I am quite capable of getting my point across, but not always in faith matters.

Stumbling and stuttering, I worked my way through the real and imagined conversations. I knew I was responding to a sense of calling and it felt right, despite more struggles and scuffles in and outside the ‘church’. I knew I didn’t have all the answers and there were and are days, where I look at myself and wonder if I got it all wrong?

For example, look at how the church as an institution, treats women, teaches dogmas whose purpose appears to be exercising power and control, or where asking questions is seen as not having the ‘right faith’, etc.

As a result I climbed the fence between Buddhist practice, mindfulness, meditation and a Christian Faith where God loves us. After years of wriggling and peeking over the fence on either side, I finally discovered that the fence was not connected to anything. There is just some fencing put up in the middle of the paddock of faith.

I discovered that I could be a committed Franciscan and have a so-called Buddhist spiritual practice at the same time. You see, there is a long history of Christian meditation, and Buddhist do not necessarily deny the existence of God, they simply get on with being aware and letting go.

I was brought up with the saying: “We all have to work out our own salvation”. Whether salvation and awakening or being saved could be the same thing for different people was a question I had not learned to ask. Some people would argue that this is a matter of culture and language rather than belief systems.

The amusing thing is that the Bible teaches that we are ‘saved by grace’. There is nothing you have to do! 

Buddhist’s teach that once you realise that there is nothing you have to do, simply be present in the moment and that is your 'awakening'. Simple but hard to do.

So I have come off the fence, I practice meditation, I read the ‘heart sutra’ and the Bible. I still question some teachings of the church, and I wonder if God does the same!

 

 

Seek Peace. Find it within.

 

 

Joie de Vivre

The world of marketing and advertising is exciting and full of colour and creativity; it is a multimillion-dollar business to support large and small brands of products. The messages are witty and colourful, often with a catchy tune.

We are bombarded daily with products we need to buy to feel better, look better or how we can make a change for the better. This moisturizer, that car, or even those clothes, will instantly change your life! We are told that ‘we are worth it!’

I do not doubt that we are worth taking care of ourselves, to enjoy life and strive to be happy. To live life to the fullest is an art most of us need to develop. Most of us become good musicians, painters or writers by diligent practice. Sure, having some talent helps, but it is the practice that makes the difference; endless scales, writing and rewriting before we publish, or whatever practice is needed to improve our skill.

Recently I pulled one of Anselm Grün’s books of the shelf. Anselm is a German monk who writes books and leads retreat. This particular book is about ‘joy’ (vreugde) – the joy of life, what inspires us, what makes us happy as an individual?

He says you cannot make joy; you have to experience it. To live a fulfilling life, we need to work out what brings us joy and delight, and a zest of living. What makes us get out of bed, what spins our wheels? Anselm invites us to revisit our past. What did we enjoy as children, followed by what is meaningful, or what gives meaning to your life?

To discover what makes us tick, what supports our spiritual well-being is the foundation of our zest for life, our joie de vivre. Whether you are ‘a bon-vivant’ or an introvert, to discover your spirituality, your desires for life and the bare necessities for living that life, we may need to look at what gives us pleasure and delight outside our regular chores.

For some, the ground of their spirituality lies in prayer and meditation. Attending church services on a regular base is enough to feed their spiritual hunger. There might be a time when that is not enough—a time when God feels at a distance.

Anselm suggests reminding ourselves of the delights of childhood may help us reconnect with our spiritual source. For me, that is about water. As a child, I could sit at a river or lake for hours at a time, watching the movement of the water. Water, especially flowing water, has given me a sense of connection with the Divine. Walking along a beach, feeling the sand between my toes is heaven!

Another way I reconnect with the Divine is through creativity. To create and be creative, to sing and dance or paint and write, whatever gives us joy is the bases for a spiritual grounding.

What brings you joy and delight?

 

 Seek Peace. Find it within.

Turmoil

Turmoil, according to the dictionary, means: ‘a state of great disturbance, confusion, or uncertainty’.

The world is in a state of turmoil. The virus has created ‘a state of disturbance’. We are transitioning from what was - to what we become, the new normal. Whatever that may look like and whenever we may get there.

International travel has come to a standstill. Domestic tourism has its challenges too. Niceties we took for granted are no longer a given. Whether it is about shopping, eating out or simply going for a walk. Health restrictions are in place to keep us safe and healthy. Added to the mix or uncertainty are the loss of job security and relationships. The ‘separation wave’ is just starting. People realised that the relationship they thought they had has changed.

An economy under strain results in uncertainty. Financial security is tested in times of job losses and uncertainty. Retirement options may disappear as folk use their savings in time of economic hardship. Dreams end and viable possibilities decrease.

How do people cope? Those with a deep faith and those who are grounded in a spiritual practice may flourish. Or not.

When challenged at the ground of your being, do the prayers and mantras still work? Or is there another level of commitment and focus involved?  I find myself awake at odd hours of the night; wondering why I am awake. Listening to the radio, I hear people’s stories of hardship, worry and concern.  Rolling over, I say my trusted mantra. I was still tossing and turning—and, thoughts still racing through my mind. Mindfully, focusing on my breathing, counting slowly, I drift off to sleep. But not for long.

Mantras, prayers, and breathing exercises may not immediately give the desired effect. Sure, they have their place, however sometimes we need to process what is going on. We need to process rather than suppress what is going on in our world. Not just the big wide world where we may feel overwhelmed at the complexity and enormity of what is happening, but in the world, our jobs, our children, partners and our role in the world. To unscramble all the information takes time. A good way for me is scrubbing bathrooms and floors or a power-walk around town.

Do you know what works for you to get a grip on the confusion, to realign your path for the future?

We might need to take time out, and be gentle with ourselves As we re-adjust to new possibilities, refocus on what is essential, what do we want out of life at this moment—thinking about what is feasible, doable, and the possibility of new dreams.

My solution to sleepless nights? A hot cup of tea, journaling or reading a good book and a hot water bottle!

What is yours?

Do you get up and do something creative, or do you stay in bed?

  Seek Peace and find it within.

Writing as Spiritual Practice

People are busy. The demands of work, exercise, team sports and family life, in general, does not leave much time for hobbies or spiritual practices. During the lockdown due to Covid-19, there was an initial panic of how the country would cope without our busy schedules. The country coped very well. The air became cleaner; the birds returned into the city, sounds from further away became audible again. It seems nature sighed a sigh of relief. And so did the people. We found a new rhythm, and it wasn’t always easy. However, the demands ‘of the office’ could be dealt with at home. Sure the children missed their mates, people died, and others wanted to get married. Life during lockdown was no ‘picnic’. It sure had its challenges.

 

On the other hand, people took a good look at their present lives and commitments. Some decided to retire, others to re-evaluate their spending of money and time. In the wake of what is happening in the world, things became relative. In general, people valued having time to themselves and enjoyed family life.

  

I wonder how many people re-engaged with a spiritual practice, whether in the form of art, prayer or meditation. Spiritual Disciplines include a wide variety of practices.

Writing is a tool for reflection and gaining insight, if you trust your inner wisdom to come out. As a child, I used to keep a diary, nothing earth-shattering, I was far too worried someone might find it. I still find journal writing a helpful tool to process life experiences and an excellent tool for self-care and discovery.

 

Henri Nouwen said:

 “Writing can be a true spiritual discipline. Writing can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deeper stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions to reflect on our experiences to give artistic expression to what we are living and to store significant events in our memories”.

 

Writing as a spiritual practice, is more than writing liturgy or prayers. It is a tool to gain insight and to develop intuition, or more precise to be attentive to the nudging of the Spirit.

Writing as a spiritual practice challenges me to be honest with myself, to question my beliefs and the teachings of the Church. The dogmas may be black and white. Life is not. Life is more than the grey-scales some see; there is an exuberance of colour and excitement.

 

Now that I have reached the age of maturity, I no longer want to look over my shoulder and worry what other people think. There is no need to hide behind the common held beliefs; it is time to explore and decipher what those beliefs and philosophies means to me.

Writing is a gift from God, like painting and all other creative expressions. The fascinating part is that when I put my fingers on the keyboard, I never know what rolls out of my fingers. Words can be tricky; they have a life of their own!

 

Whatever you write, be honest with yourself and trust your inner wisdom. The saying “Don’t ask if you are not prepared to hear the answer” might be right for some places, I think you might be surprised if you trust the writing process.

Another saying is: “When you ask the question, you are ready for the answer, (which is already within you)”. In many cases this will be true too. At times in our writing, we may surprise ourselves, we may have an inclination, but writing helps to process the quests of life.

 

There are many posts and articles on writing as a spiritual practice. If you want to explore this, you could start with writing about ‘how you are feeling today’, or ‘what is your deepest desire’. Reflect on what you need to feel at peace, or what you do when you feel at peace.

 

Happy writing!

 

Seek Peace and find it within